What Hard Work Brings You
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning, the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”
The Director asks in turn arrogantly: “Why are you so interested in that topic?”
“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
“What’s your name?” asks the Director.
“John Smith” says the shoeshine.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: “Do we have a client named John Smith?”
“Certainly” answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: “Mr. Smith, I would like to ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our weekly board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But, Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.”
How Children Perceive Their Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I’ll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?” 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?” 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both real old,” he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.” 7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!” 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.” 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised. “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said, warily. “How do you make babies?” “It’s easy,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.” 11. “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.” 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” offered one child. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.” 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.” 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. |
Golden night out
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.
‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says. ‘The Golden Saloon, everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers.
‘Do you have huge golden doors?’
‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’
‘Most certainly do.’
‘What about golden urinals?’
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, ‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’
Self Testing
My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the Coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.
Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ants gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If you don’t enjoy holding your penis in your hand: LOW TESTOSTERONE.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house without zipping your fly: ALZHEIMERS
So that’s it for now. Stay away from people with covid and no sense of humour.